this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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