she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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