I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
