God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
