Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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