dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
