when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
