this beer tastes like vomit already
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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