I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
