The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
