Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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