what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
