Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
