You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
