Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
