you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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