saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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