all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
