i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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