What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
