Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
