I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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