non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
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Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
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I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...