then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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