So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
