I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
