Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
