that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
