I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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