Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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