i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
