Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
