Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
