Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
