I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
