Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I want to be your penis for a week.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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