she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
