dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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