You work out of a Hotel?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
