I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
