I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
