Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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