i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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