If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
