i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
