The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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