apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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