Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
