someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
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Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
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Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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