I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Randomize
