im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Randomize
