when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
