yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
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Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
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Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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