omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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