there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
