i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
