I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
