sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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